Monday, January 21, 2013

How do I know if I'm conservative?

Some folk out there are confused.  They just don't know where they stand politically: are they Red Staters (conservative), or Blue Staters (liberals)?  Well, allow me to clear the air.  If you fit the following criteria, you most certainly can determine where you fit in on the political spectrum:

1.  If your front porch collapses and more than two dogs die, you just might be a Red Stater.

2.  If the size of your residence is determined by 'wides' (single wide, double wide, or if you are extremely wealthy, TRIPLE WIDE), you just might be a Red Stater.

3.  If the highest compliment that can be paid to a local gal is 'say, nice tooth!', then you are probably a Red Stater. 

4.  If, in order to cross the border into your state, you must by law have at least three teeth pulled (preferrably one of the front ones), then you most likely live in a Red State.

5.  If you have at least three non-operational vehicles up on blocks, in addition to two or more non-functional kitchen or laundry room appliances in your front lawn, it is possible that you live in a Red State.

6.  If your working television set is sitting on top of your non-working television set, it's very likely that you are a conservative living in a Red State.

7.  If you attend family reunions to meet girls, then you most definitely reside in a Red State.

8.  If you have no idea how to load, fire or clean a double barrel shotgun, you are most definitely not a resident of a Red State.

9.  If you think that receiving food stamps is a God Given Right, then you are very likely not living in a Red State.

10.  If you voted for Obama (twice), you most definitely do not live in a Red State, although you most certainly do not even know what a Red State is. 

(acknowledgements to Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy for their valuable input).


Joe said...

Red state or not, with the irregularities in the last election, it does not matter. The vote count will come out in favor of the most obvious Santa Clause oriented socialist.

My state, Florida, can't make up its mind what color it is and its election officials don't care. They're happy to decide for us.

Kid said...

It's people like larry the cable guy that give conservatives a bad name. IN my opinion of course.

Z said...

This list bugs me...funny, but a little insulting, don't you think?

Fredd said...


Of course it's insulting, and I wrote this while wearing my liberal hat. They see us as tobacco chewin', gun totin', hound dog ownin' hicks and hayseeds.

But we conservatives have a sense of humor about life, and most will likely not seek damages from me through a lawsuit because I disparaged their double wide.