Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Meaning of Life

The answer to the age old philosophical question, 'what is the meaning of life' is actually pretty simple, and you need not scale a Himalayan peak and ask a hermit guru to find this answer.

The answer?  Don't be an asshole.

We were put here on this earth along with every other living creature for reasons known only to God.  But while we're here, it was clearly not God's intention for us to use our lives in ways that are detrimental in the fullness of time to our environs, including our fellow creatures (human creatures included).  God also put us at the top of the food chain, and the pursuit of nourishment is not detrimental to God's wishes, so you vegans can just save your breath on this last part, OK?

Assholes are a detriment to society, and in general come in varying degrees of assholiness.  The low level asshole is the guy who flips a burning cigarette butt out of a moving car window.  The high level assholes are sociopaths who care only of their hedonistic pursuits oblivious to the care or concerns of anyone else.  These of course include (but are not limited to) murderers, rapists, arsonists, robbers, thieves and all other manner of felons. 

And low level assholes can become high level assholes at random moments: the low level asshole who carelessly tossed the burning cigarette butt out of the car window becomes a high level asshole when that burning cigarette butt catches a dry countryside on fire, and subsequently burns out a community and perhaps in the end kills people. 

The meaning of life comes into play when we all do our best to try and avoid being assholes.  This entails doing the right thing when nobody is watching.  Like the low level asshole drinking directly from the carton of milk after a few glances around to make sure the ol' ball and chain isn't watching.  Can you imagine Pope John Paul II reaching into the refrigerator, taking a few looks left and right, and then chugging right from the carton?  Nope, never happened. Not that the Pope ever had an  'ol' ball 'n' chain,' but I digress.

That's because Pope John Paul II knew that the meaning of life is to not be an asshole.  Additionally, as a trained and professional theologian, the Pope also knew that this unwritten law is enforced in the end.  When we all leave this earth, and stand before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, there is nothing we have ever done that escapes St. Peter's clipboard, the one with our name and photo ID at the top.

Everything we do, every act we commit whether it be low level asshole actions or worse, they all end up on St. Peters clipboard.  In essence, nobody can do anything without someone watching. 

Accordingly, the meaning of life should be abundantly clear: do the right thing, because someone is ALWAYS watching.

That was an easy question.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

'Uglo-Americans': it's OK to discriminate against these folks

As a numbnuts uninformed cretin would say, 'can we be real here?'  This, in response to dreamy ol' Fredd pining away that in Utopia, people would be judged not by the 'arrangement of their skin, but by the content of their character.' (apologies to Martin Luther King for butchering his phrase in his 'I have a Dream' speech).

I just thought I would wander off the conservative reservation for a bit, and point out that the pretty people in this world get a leg up in almost every endeavor, while the less than pretty folk get the shaft when trying to compete for a share of life's goodies against these hunks and babes. 

Kim Kardashian is rich and famous for one thing only: her looks.  She is as dumb as a bag of hammers (my apologies to all of those bags of hammers out there, you are WAY smarter than Kim), she dropped out of third grade, and treats everyone around her like a bag of dirt.  But none of that matters.  She's a looker, and as such is entitled to her fame and riches.  Life is like that, you know, according to this aforementioned idiot.  'Get over it,' he would advise us all. 

There has actually been legislation passed prohibiting discrimination in hiring by race, sex, age, color, creed, religion and sexual orientation. You will note, however, that general appearance does not make the list.  But, as the moron mentioned above, being the wet blanket that he can sometimes be, will jerk us back into reality by pointing out that this is the way things are: that the ugly amoung us should not even bother to apply, and maybe even do us all a favor and just drop dead.

After all, let's get real, shall we?

And the idiot above indeed has an irrefutable point.  We all prefer watching pretty people read the news, rather than a wart covered. wrinkly obese slob, right?   It's not even arguable.  We all discriminate against fat, zit faced, ugly old people.  We do it every day. Virtually all of us.

But is it right?  Is this the way things SHOULD be? 

In Fredd's Dreamland Utopia (where most liberals always hang out), we would ideally be judged by our credentials, attitude, love of life, respect for others, tolerance, people skills, gumption and verve, period.  Looks?  Not applicable. 

But then, the imbecile above will remind us all with his cold bucket of water that we don't dwell in Dreamland Utopia.  Let's get real.  The Uglo-American segment of society can just forget about getting ahead in life based on their credentials, etc. 

And they can certainly forget about sitting behind the newsdesk, for the ugly need not apply.  Indeed, they should do us all a favor and drop dead.  Or, if they choose to keep on living for reasons unknown to us all, at least they should wear paper bags over their heads.

But life is like this, and we all know it.  But it still ain't right....

Sunday, June 12, 2011

We need uglier Fox News reporters

Look at the line up every morning at Fox News: this morning, I wake up to see a beauty queen looking Ainsley Earhardt in a clingy, green, low cut, sleeveless number spouting deficit numbers.  She was sitting in for Allision Camerota, who also wears that slinky stuff, and is not hard on the eye, either.  Are their audiences that pathetic and shallow, that they will abandon Fox News should they actually air some tubby, old, bald fat guys?  Or maybe some frumpy, dowdy middle age babes with 'big bone' issues?

Yes, apparently. Fox and Friends during the week features former Miss America Gretchen Carlson, who is now getting on in years, and I suspect that Roger Ailes will sooner rather than later sack her in favor of some twenty-someting hotty who can read a teleprompter without stuttering too badly.

If Fox News is really honest about reporting the news, 'fair and balanced,' then they should practice what they preach and deliver this fair and balanced stuff with folks who actually represent America: tubby, old, bald, fat guys with several chins, liver spots, eye ticks and other blights that represent most of us who dwell within the Fruited Plains.

But will we ever see an old, bald, liver spotted fat guy reading the teleprompter?


But why?  Because the audience will not tolerate anyone who is less than movie star, soap opera perfect, and that is really a shame.  Is it only possible that good looking folks can read a teleprompter, or forecast the weather? 

According to Roger Ailes (a really ugly guy, truth be told), the ugly need not apply. 

The ugly should be sheltered away, never to be seen or heard.  Not on his airwaves, anyway.

Oh well.  Good thing I have a day job.