Thursday, February 7, 2013

Portlandia - most liberals believe it exists, or at least it should

Portlandia.  The place where young people go to retire.  Where everyone sleeps in until 11:00 AM, and everyone is in a band.

Portlandia is where you can go into a record store and sell your band's latest CD.  It's a place where you don't have to work very hard, if at all.  And if you do work, it's only a part time gig where you have plenty of time for rehearsal with your band, and it still covers the rent for the studio apartment you share with three other Clown School classmates (who are also in their own bands).  To get around in Portlandia, you don't need a stinking, gas guzzling, planet wrecking car.  Nope, you are doing your part in saving the planet because you can bike everywhere, and there are 600,000 linear miles of bike paths within Portlandia, give or take a mile or two.

I know some real people who live in Portlandia.  They are as liberal as the day is long, and they love this concept.  They are a fabulously wealthy couple, the guy being a retired titan of industry, the gal still runs her own business which caters exclusively to her fabulously wealthy friends.

And these two, while grudgingly acknowledging that Portlandia is a parody of the town they live in, secretly believe that this is the way things should be.

Everybody SHOULD be in a band, right?.  Everybody SHOULD be able to sleep in until 11.  And if you want to go to clown school, who is to say you are wasting your time?  Huh?

The sad reality is that most liberals throughout the country truly believe in their heart of hearts that Portlandia should be a reality, and that it is possible to create a society that enables everyone to do whatever they want to do without constraint.  To be whatever you want to be, regardless of the consequences.

There is absolutely no thought, however, given to exactly how this Portlandian lifestyle will be sustained.  No consideration as to who will pay to keep the lights on in the garage so that everyone can practice their bass solo for the next gig (which will be every night). 

The saddest thing about Portlandia is that there is a very large metropolitan area (Portland, Oregon) whose residents for the most part think that the rest of the country (in Red States) have completely lost their minds and are mostly stupid, or are in denial that Portlandia is the Utopia to which we as a nation need to aspire and achieve this Nirvana on earth.  To them, conservatives are either mad or imbeciles when they pooh pooh the notion that Portlandia is a concept that is mostly based on a fairy tale.

It's a good thing that most of the rest of the country outside of Oregon doesn't subscribe to this moronic TV series, now going incredibly into its third season. 

Well, gotta sign off, now.  I'm working on a new bass riff for my band, 'Brain Dead.' 


innominatus said...

I think we should go on a conquering spree and extract tribute money from all the wussy countries we beat. That way we could all afford to sleep in and have espresso machines installed in our hybrid cars so we'd be nice and alert for the morning session of clown school.

Fredd said...

Inno: I like this funding plan of yours. Which country should be invade first? Probably Canada, they have quite a bit of money, and not a very big army.

Besides, we wouldn't really have to roll over them with M1 Abrahams tanks, since most of the Canadian government seems to be French, and they'll just surrender.

Joe said...

" this Portlandian lifestyle will be sustained."

Once the UN global tax is enacted, Portland just declares itself a third world country and suckles at the teat of the global sow.

Kid said...

Fredd, This is actually my last imaginary Gui Tar Solo

Fredd said...


Sounds good (to a Portlandian), but the truth is that the global sow probably has less money in their teats than Uncle Sam if you boil everything down to assets.

Fredd said...

Hey, Kid:

What say we form a band? I can be lead singer (front man), lead guitar, bass and drummer.

You can be air guitar impressario, and my combo roady/stage manager.

Are you in? You can name the band. (and no, we're not calling ourselves 'The Mothers')

Kid said...

Well, all that leaves for me is filter the groupie girls...

How about Freddie and the Freeloaders.

Glenn Mark Cassel said...

Makes one go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Fredd said...

Kid: Freddie and the Freeloaders is a no-go: once we make it big, and all the dough starts rolling in, we are guaranteed to get a visit from the late Red Skelton's attorneys wanting to know how to structure their share of our take.

PS: I didn't know 'filtering' is what they now call dealing with girl and learn, I guess.

Incognito said...

love Freddie and the Freeloaders...!! I say go for it.

That show's been around for a while now. Remember reading about it years ago.

When I was in college (theatre department) wanted to start a band.. was going to call it Chastity and the Belts, and we'd dress in medieval outfits. never happened. maybe I should move to Portland and start one.. then your band and mine can tour together. ;)

Fredd said...


I gotta run it by Kid (stage manager/roadie), but I could see you guys opening for us.

But we might not be able to do Portand right away, we will probably have to start in Beaverton, and work our way up to Hillsboro, West Linn, maybe Oregon City, and who knows, dare I say Wilsonville?