Tuesday, June 7, 2016

I hate bad cooking

I am at that point in my life where I have had enough well cooked meals to know the difference between good cooking and bad cooking.  And I suspect that I am no different than most folks: I prefer good cooking.

But it seems that in our politically correct culture these days, it is completely and totally taboo to point out bad cooking.  To do so would be to create conflict and confrontation.  You know, squabbles between the cook, the cook's supporters and the recipient of the cook's shitty fare.

Of course, we can't have that.  So here goes: I hate bad cooking, but I am forbidden from griping about it. When I am hungry, I will eat bad cooking.  Which in my extended family is most all the time.  In my household, I will not eat bad cooking and remain silent.  I will speak up.  To speak well of a poorly crafted meal will only serve to perpetuate the badness of the meal: if I say that I enjoyed something crappy, then I will see it show up on my plate again. Why encourage bad cooking?  I don't, at least not in my own home.  And my wife has come to expect a truly honest opinion of everything she cooks, and no phony baloney praise.  She is a good cook, and bats around .925 or so.  But every now and then, something turns out bad, and I let her know.  And of course, I let her know that the good stuff came out nice, too.  Which is most of the time.

But when I am on the road eating meals cooked by others, I am prohibited by this unspoken pressure to never criticize Aunt Sally's spaghetti sauce.  In fact, I am under pressure to actually praise it, even though I would prefer to flush the stuff down the toilet, given half the chance.  But I won't say boo, and I will eat the stuff, smile and when prompted indicate it was very good.

What makes bad cooking?  Plenty of errors are made by the average bad cook.  Here are but a few:

1.  Trying recipes out for the first time on guests.  Many bad cooks feel that they must impress their guests with fancy, schmancy food that looks great in the magazine, but they have never in fact ever tried to produce it in person.  And when the guinea pigs formerly known as guests try this never before prepared fare, it is usually more of the same: 'ummm, Aunt Sally, this is the BEST.'  And it's not.

2.  Poor guest management.  Well prepared food is best when served at the proper temperature.  Hotcakes, for example, should be hot when served (flapjacks, pancakes, all the same thing).  And steak.  Steak should be sizzling hot.  But not at Aunt Sally's, not by a long shot.  Aunt Sally will cook the steaks, and then let them cool down to room temperature because she doesn't want to serve them until everyone sits down, and that means waiting for Uncle Bert to wake up from his nap.  Bad cooking can come in the form of poor guest management.  If Fredd were the cook, Uncle Bert would have been sitting at the table well before the steaks were done.  Even if Uncle Bert had to be woken up by a bucket of ice water in his fat face.  There is nothing worse than cold food that is supposed to be hot.

3.  Improperly timed dishes.  A good meal is served with all the fare ready to eat and on the plate or in the bowl at the moment the guest sits down.  The steak will be hot, the French bread will be hot and crispy, the milk will be cold, you know, whatever is supposed to be served hot is hot, and whatever is supposed to be served cold is cold.  But not at Aunt Sally's, not a chance.  Aunt Sally will cook one dish at a time, then pull it off the stove and cover it with tin foil.  Like that is supposed to keep food hot.  It doesn't.  And so it goes for the rest of the meal: next the green beans, pull them off, then make the mashed potatoes.  Then pull them off the stove, cover the pot with tin foil, and on and on and on it goes.  Then the lovely and gracious Aunt Sally will serve her guests (assuming they are awake from their naps and ready to eat, if not, the food can properly attain room temperature, just the way everybody likes it).  And when the everyone sits down, everything on the table is room temperature.

In other words, bad cooking.  Of course, because everybody is hungry, the only words coming out of every mouth (even mine) is: 'great stuff, Aunt Sally, you really know how to strap on the feed bag.'

And now I am guilty as the rest of the gang, praising Aunt Sally's inedible garbage as great cooking.  Which ultimately leads to more bad meals in the future.  

And I hate bad cooking, you think I would muster up the gumption and say something.  But I am cowed by political correctness, and will put up with Aunt Sally's bad cooking until I die.  

Sigh.

20 comments:

Adrienne said...

When I have guests, which is a rarity now, the meal is planned like a military engagement. In the old days, if it was a big party, the menu planning would be started many weeks in advance. Everything was planned to be ready at the same time, and like you said, hot was hot, and cold was cold. I also had many dishes that could be assembled the day before to cut down on work and mess on party day.

Here's another pet peeve to go along with your bad food rant. Showing up at someone's house with the hostess stuck sweating in the trashed kitchen and the table not set. I always set the table the night before, had all serving platters arranged, and by the time guests arrived my kitchen was spotless, and the meal so well planned that I could sit and chat with my guests.

Flow is important, too. You don't want people all clumped up in one place. If the party was yuuuuge, I turned one bedroom (usually hubby's teaching room) into the dessert room, and I've been known to set up a beautiful bar on top of the washer and dryer. Cover the appliances with a tablecloth, hang a backdrop, throw around a bunch of silver trays, put out some candles, and, viola, a beautiful bar.

I've had a few Aunt Sally's in my life - don't we all? All you can do is sigh and consider it a blessing that you only have to endure the torture a few times a year.

Fredd said...

Adrienne: I would adhere to any planning provided, but it takes a bit of a drill sergeant to pull off getting everybody seated when they need to be. And of course, there are jerks that buck the system and throw a wrench into things.

I would imagine you know how to deal with these types, but my Aunt Sally would just allow these ne-er-do-wells set the tone. And there goes the heat in the food. Bad food is the result of poor people skills as well. In the end, it doesn't take much to wreck a dinner, as a decent hot meal is a highly perishable thing, and prone to going south the more jerks there are in the room.

LL said...

It's been MANY years since I ate at a relative's home, so I can't identify fully with your experience. However, dipping back into the past, most of my "family eating" experiences were tepid. I had a sister-in-law that insisted on cooking Thanksgiving dinner, so I took the kids to Jack-in-the-Box or McDonald's first and everyone arrived content to nibble, then leave. Nobody every spilled the beans and her cooking is just as bad now as it was then...I guess. Haven't been there in over a decade.

At my home, I am the drill sergeant, marshaling the troops to the table for a quick prayer followed by the devouring. And if Uncle Fredd remains in the toilet (where he's been for half an hour), he can start late. I could care less. Because everyone comes to my house these days, I presume that they prefer it to their own mediocre fare. But swift's the action at my house. There is usually a one hour gap between the conclusion of dinner and desert service.

LSP said...

I'm with you, Fredd. I like hot food to be hot and I'd rather have something simple and tasty than fancy, fixy and rubbish.

Fredd said...

Pastor: yup. Gimme fried chicken rather than chicken paprikas. Grilled top sirloin steak rather than Steak Diane.

KISS. It's so easy to botch those fancy schmancy recipes

Kid said...

Right on the money Fredd. Stop going to Aunt Sally's. And you being in Chicago and having to endure bad food is Like being in HELL compared to being in Cincinnati, land of the most blasai bland dysfunctional food in the world, and the most dysfunctional drivers as well. If you watch the food channel, you will notice they Never come to Cincy. For good reason. My wife and I often look at each other and say Lets go out. Then we can't think of anywhere to go because we can both make better food at home than 99% of the places around us. Geeeezix.

I feel for you man. Stop going to Sally's, Just stop.

Fredd said...

LL: exactly, and that's the point. If you spill the beans on the relative's bad cooking, there's no up side for you. You become the rotten griper, the sour puss, the mean SOB and all the women folk circle the wagons around the bad cook.

Going forward, you are treated like a leper, and Aunt Sally continues to cook badly, knowing in her heart that her cooking is really good (everyone always says so) and that you are only a bad guest.

No up side at all. So we all just have to shut up, and eat the bad food.

Forever.

Fredd said...

Kid: naw, can't avoid Aunt Sally. Other than her cruddy culinary skills, she is truly a wonderful person. If she were a grouch, or otherwise deficient in personality, I would spill the beans on her crappy cooking, and let the chips fall where they may.

I am going to continue to gag down and praise her awful food forever. No up side for me any other way.

LL said...

Eat before you go over, stuff yourself. You can move the meatballs back and forth across the mountain of spaghetti will discussing your new tofu and arugula fad diet. If they have wine, you're allowed that on your diet. It will help to dull the senseless banter that you could give a rat's ass about anyway.

Euripides said...

I'm with LL, I haven't eaten with a relative in years, so I can't complain. With just the wife and me, I can take half the blame for bad cooking. Then again, if the meal didn't turn out, we just trash it and start over, or go to a restaurant with good cooking.

Fredd said...

LL: stuffing myself before I arrive, that plan has holes in it - Aunt Sally lives in Texas, and when I visit, I either eat her garbage or go hungry. Sometimes that decision is a tough call....

Fredd said...

LL and Rip: both of you haven't eaten with relatives in years; makes me suspect that both of you ARE the typical Aunt Sally and Uncle Bert.

Do most folks tell you that your cooking is to die for? That should clue you in....

Euripides said...

Fredd: I can't speak for LL, but most of my relatives wish I were dead, not the other way around.

Fredd said...

Rip: in that case, when you croak, make sure your estate goes to your dog, Spike. And of course let your relatives know all of the details.

LL said...

I don't really invite people over. My kids volunteer. The shirt-tail relatives show up. But I may be the ptomaine king without being aware. Or maybe the food is better than something you have to pay for? That's another possibility.

I'm not a particularly inspired host. I'm not particularly gracious. All in all I'm a bit of a peevish asshole. Norman Rockwell would not have painted me.

Brig said...

Hi guys,

I did a lot of meals for branding crews and the like. The menu (thanks to my MIL's guidance) did not vary: a hot steak or tri tip, a cold green salad, hot french bread, hot beans, and cold beer, cold ice tea, ice cream, fruit, coffee. Crock pots and a gas grill are your friend, as I was expected to be a horseback helping not lollygagging around in the kitchen.


I have cooked the requisite fancy family dinner a few times for most of the relatives. Being of a berserker mind themselves, they never hesitated to tell you when they didn't like something. Though they were sly about it by saying "you are doing too much, next time we will do the cooking". It worked like a charm, as I would rather be doing something else. Haven't had to cook for them in years.

Sincerely, Auntie B


Fredd said...

LL: just as I thought - you sound just like my Uncle Bert. A lovable curmudgeon, who is about as sensitive to the concerns of others as a 7th century Visigoth.

Fredd said...

Auntie B: lollygagging, huh? I'm like you: I know how to rattle those pots and pans, but I would rather not. I am much more satisfied complaining about the efforts of others. If you can call them efforts.

Z said...

I almost always make recipes for the first time for guests and have to admit that, in all these years, one fish dish didn't make it. You need to have cooked a LOT to read a recipe and know if it's going to be good or not.
Can't agree more about the temperatures; that's an art and, once you stop cooking for a while, it takes a while to get it back.

Tell Aunt Sally it's good...it's the nice thing to do! (eat a little then go somewhere else afterwards and scarf it up!)

Fredd said...

Z: oh, your bad. Never, and I mean NEVER try recipes on guests. Unless you have absolute faith in the chef who created the recipe, the chef who has never disappointed you. Otherwise, you are using your guests as guinnea pigs.