"Marie Osmond lost 50 pounds of stubborn belly fat on Nutri-System. You can, too!" Everybody knows that if you say 'stubborn belly fat' enough times, the money will flow into the advertiser coffers. And American bellies will still be layered with that stubborn belly fat. Lots of it.
"Serve-Pro; it's like it never even happened." A flood wipes out everything you own, and these guys will swoop in and make your life whole again. The ads said so. Right. They will promise to fix every damn thing, just sign here. And once your check clears, the foot dragging starts. It'll take between now and Kingdom Come for these scalawags to get your life back together, and it will never be exactly to your liking.
"Nothing ever sticks to MY pan, ever." Chef Daniel Green swears that you can buy his Gotham Steel frying pan and throw away all of your cleaning pads, scouring powder and such, just wipe his miracle pan clean with a paper towel. I actually bought into this one myself, stupid me. The pan loses its anti-stick properties after one or two uses.
If you believe these guys, the only thing you will be guaranteed to lose is not your stubborn belly fat. It's your wallet that's going to get skinny, and you will get virtually nothing in return.
Take those ads for reverse mortgages from AAG, featuring smooth talking, handsome Tom Selleck shilling these loans. Stability in retirement is what they are selling. Your home's equity turned into tax free cash, it's like money for nothing and your chicks for free. "It's just another way for the bank to take your house," and Tom poo-poohs this notion. Americans will believe Tom, he's too damn tall and handsome to lie.
Is Tom lying? Well, technically, probably not. He's reading a script. The reverse mortgage people are counting on the dumb American public to trust these celebrities (and we do), and then watch the money flow in. In fact, it is just another way for the bank to take your house. Tom may not be lying technically, but what he is saying is not what you are signing up for.
We used to call these loans 'second mortgages,' and they are all the same: banks loan money to home owners and use the equity in the home as collateral. Once you sign those papers, the bank just took your house. "You still own your home," Tom croons. Well, not really. The bank has a lien on your house, just like any other instrument such as a home equity line of credit (HELOC), a home equity loan, or some banks even stick to the antiquated term 'second mortgage.'
The only difference in these new fangled reverse mortgages from the old fashioned mortgages is how the loan is repaid. Rather than chip away at the interest and principal each month with a payment, these things are back loaded and are paid in full once the home 'owner' vacates the house: assuming you don't default on the banks terms for maintaining their interests on 'their' property such as failing to fix the leaking roof, pay your annual property taxes or fail to take out home owner's insurance (which would be grounds for immediate eviction of you and your loved ones from the bank's house).
In the good ol' days, home owners would pay off their 30 year mortgage, burn the mortgage paper at the pay off date, and live happily ever after in their free and clear house. And after the Good Lord calls these folks home, the off spring inherit the homestead.
Those days are long gone. The bank now owns the home, until its interests are paid in full after the house is vacated. Which is usually a hefty sum, often equalling the fair market value of the house (which the bank will arbitrarily and unilaterally determine).
These ads, all of them, promise the world to a gullible viewing public. Word of advice: don't believe a word, not a syllable of what these shysters are hawking. It's all crap, and the only winner in any transaction with these guys is them.
Not you.
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21 comments:
There are monuments to losers in America - they're called casinos. The Temple of the Living Elvis (Las Vegas, NV) has fleeced more gullible people than any other so it's larger and more ornate. The parasites selling reverse mortgages and a solution to stubborn belly fat are bottom feeders in comparison. Now if they offered a way for you to gamble away that stubborn belly fat, they'd be as rich as Croesus.
P. T. Barnham was right. There's a sucker born every minute. And there are "respectable" people who spend their lives trading on human misery without the slightest remorse. Take the TV preachers with their gold dog houses, executive jets, mansions and chalets in Switzerland...who can remove your stubborn belly fat with faith - and that love offering, tax free.
Hmmm. Gambling away stubborn belly fat. Or better yet, praying it away. Somebody oughtta get to work on those, there's a ton of money to be had here, a veritable mother lode of idiot cash.
My mother-in-law (Aunt Sally's mom) gave a fortune away throughout her life to her church, and in the end it was squandered away in real estate purchases gone bad, with of course the church operating in the best of faith. The mother-in-law, ironically, was an absolute GREAT cook. The apple fell quite a piece from the tree in this instance.
You forgot the most important hook line in those commercials, Fredd....
"But WAIT...There's MORE!"....
drjim: yes, that drives the idiots crazy - 'more, you say??!! Looky thar, Brandine, they's sweetinin' the deal, let's listen to what elsen' we gits...'
(this would be my phonetic imitation of the Simpson character Cletus Spuckler, the slack-jawed yokel)
Could I reverse mortgage my home and get rid of stubborn belly fat AND get something that chops, sliced and dices all with one easy purchase (click of the mouse)? That would be nearly ideal. (ok ---- but there's more) AND get a sham-wow.
LL: you can get all of that, AND MORE: (your stubborn belly fat is off the table, get real), and Vince the Sham-Wow guy is as trustworthy as any Democrat you care to name. More so, maybe.
Great post!
It's pathetic how many consumers fall for what these hucksters say.
BTW, the two diets who worked best for me were never advertised -- on TV or in the newspapers. And I went on those two diets some 40 years apart, so I didn't have "the yoyo" problem.
Great post!
It's pathetic how many consumers fall for what these hucksters say.
BTW, the two diets who worked best for me were never advertised -- on TV or in the newspapers. And I went on those two diets some 40 years apart, so I didn't have "the yoyo" problem.
Yes, people would be much better off 'selling' their home to their heirs, collecting a fair sum, but one that is advantageous to the heir, and when you take your last breath, the house is theirs for a quit claim deed posted in advance for a buck.
Taking it a step further, anyone who believes ANY outsider is offering them something that is to THEIR benefit is a moron. ie. car dealers constantly pimping leases. Not to your advantage, theirs.
And businesses only advertise crap that isn't selling, like chevy malibu's. When was the last time you saw a Corvette ad.
If you can learn that lesson, it will take you a long way.
AOW: don't tell me - that non-advertised diet of yours consists of eating less, exercising more. How far off am I?
Kid: you're right. I don't ever recall seeing a Corvette ad. But Toyota Camry ads? They are everywhere, night and day.
Fredd,
Partly right and partly not. And sorry in advance for the long reply.
The first diet of 1000-1200 calories a day consisted of eating less and exercising more. I paid one helluva fee for counseling two to three times a week with an RN. Medical supervision was required. I went to Diet Center, a national franchise at the time. There were a few packaged foods sold by Diet Center, but mostly we learned how to prepare low fat foods. Great recipes! I went on this diet, which they called "an eating plan," in 1985 and followed a modified version of it until I had a car accident in 2005. That accident forever ended my participation in the form of exercise I loved: biking.
I started packing on pounds, partly as the result of lack of exercise, eating too much, and having to take Lyrica for the post-accident neuropathy.
In 2012, I went on the Ideal Protein Diet. Exercise is impossible because of the drastic cut in carbs. The franchise sells many packaged foods, which are out-of-this-world delicious. But all those protein shakes! They were delicious but not satisfying. The Ideal Protein Diet forbids any with kidney problems or a history of cancer following the diet.
As I've aged -- I'm now 65 -- exercise has become more and more problematic, especially with this nasty chronic kidney disease. Ironically, this kidney disease has made it difficult for me not to get too thin. Such poor appetite!
AOW: exercise is problematic for lots of folks, me included. I have a fairly active employment routine, but life long lasting self-induced injuries from playing high school football to spending too long in the U.S. Army have left me at 62 with bad knees, bad shoulders and bad back.
Not bad enough at 62 to keep me from being fairly ambulatory, but regular exercise beyond walking is just not something in the cards for me anymore.
It takes a of walking to take off pounds.
You might be interested in checking out Ideal Protein. There are also YouTube videos. The diet has been around for over 25 years.
I had an excellent Ideal Protein practitioner. There was one nearer me, but she was terrible. So, I'd drive 25 miles once a week for the counseling (minimal) and to buy the products. All these years later, I still use some of the products. Yummy! Mr. AOW, who hates dieting, loves the snack bars and snack puffs; he's diabetic, and the diet helps him with that, too.
I also recommend that you take a look at Walden Farms. Lots of products there to help shave off calories.
Ok, you got me on the Camry ads.
I've really wanted to do a reverse mortgage but haven't heard one positive word...except on TV! They get credible spokespeople, which is sad, considering you'd think those celebs would care about their credibility. I wish reverse mortgages worked...I think they do for some, depending on circumstances?
Fredd;..I have a few things that prohibit much more than walking, too..sadly. I can swim well, however....when it warms up! Sad to know it's the exercise that helps us lose weight AND feel better but we really shouldn't DO it :-) And I've never had anything like this to worry about so it bugs me.
ANybody try NutriSystem and succeeded? I have a sister who's doing great on it.
Z: as a rule of thumb, reverse mortgages are like paycheck loans: easy peasy, but the interest charges are usary. Not worth the equity you lose, unless you are desperate. Only sleazy lenders do them.
And they love to prey on the elderly. There were occasions (in their later years) where I had to have a long talk with mother about buying gold, and dad about reverse mortgages (and these were smart business people in their day).
The Cowman once tried to talk me into a reverse mortgage... NO way Jose! But then he who would play the futures market is not someone I would trust with MY hard earned lira.
Brig: oldsters have always been a lucrative target for scumbag business shysters. Aluminum siding salesmen were fighting each other on the porches of the elderly as to who got to ring the doorbell first.
The futures markets are about as shaky as a sumo wrestler's waistline, anyone who participates is playing with fire.
fredd, so you see no down side unless someone needs the cash terribly...? It sure sounds enticing to hear Tom Selleck tell it :-)
Z: I see nothing but down side on a reverse mortgage unless you are desperate. Under those conditions, the home owner takes the usurious terms, and is probably up to their ears in down side stuff, so the ready cash that the bank gives them seems OK. At the moment.
And tall handsome Tom? He could sell sand to Arabs, or ice to Eskimos.
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