Politics, popular culture and Reagan conservatism spewed maybe once a week...or less
Monday, April 12, 2010
How to become a Liberal (it's really easy)
Do you even ponder just what it takes to become one of the cool crowd, but fear that you don't have what it takes to make the transition? I know, many of you often dream of joining those dope smoking, pony tail wearing, no tax payin' loveable hippie types: in common terms, Liberals. Fret no more, my friend, I will fill you in on the process, step by step as to the way to Utopian nirvahnna, and it won't cost you a dime for this priceless information. Simply read on, and you will in no time be a Democrat voting, Iraq War protesting, food stamp redeeming burden to society:
STEP ONE: Procure the 'Liberal Kit.' Please note the word 'procure,' was used rather than the term 'buy.' Buying stuff costs money, and money is a thing that all genuine card carrying liberals obtain from others at no cost to themselves. Either mooch, bum or borrow (and never return) this kit, or borrow some money (but never pay it back) to obtain the kit. As a last resort, simply steal it, as the producers of the elements of this kit are rotten capitalist jerks who raped and pillaged the Proletariat and stole their land in order to put up factories to make these items. These companies deserve (and indeed, expect) to be ripped off. Think no more of it, it's the right thing to do. Contained within the kit are essentials that all liberals must have to be considered part of the gang. Before you can start demanding that your fellow man pay for all your wants and needs, you must first don the uniform:
1. Tie dyed T-shirt. This singles the wearer out from the conservative crowd. The louder and gawdier, the better. And you gain bonus points if it has a peace symbol on it, all your liberal buddies will be jealous right away of your increased stature within the liberal hippie community.
2. Bong. For you conservative folks who are desperately trying to become hip and with it, you are unlikely to know what this device is. Please refer to the picture above, but do not attempt to use it until you are properly trained on its nuances by a fellow liberal dead beat. Certain safety procedures must be followed in order to ensure maximum brain damage and the ensuing demented thought process that is critical to liberal thinking.
3. Toyota Prius. Every proud liberal must have one of these tiny little putt-putt cars, in order to show everyone that they are saving the planet. Trust me, you will be saving the planet by driving one, just don't ask me how, that's not important. Again, as mentioned before, mooch the money to buy the Prius from Dad, Mom, Gramma, or whoever you can con into the purchase or lease payments. And of course, never pay them back, that's the liberal way.
STEP TWO:.Learn the lingo. Now that you are wearing your tie dyed T-Shirt (with optional peace symbol upgrade), using your bong and driving your Prius, you think you are one of the gang, now, right? WRONG. You gotta start spewing the slogans without considering their logical meaning. You have to sound like a liberal, not just look like one. Any phony baloney feaux liberal can pop for the liberal kit, but you have to talk the talk, not just walk the walk.
Repeat after me: 'Conservatives are evil.' Go ahead, you can do it, now say it with me, 'Conservatives are evil.' See how easily that rolled off the tongue? Now, let's establish some essential phrases that will enable you to sit down in any hippie commune, have a fellow liberal actually pass you the bong and not Bogart it, and listen to the banter on future plans of 'sticking it to the Man.' Practice each sentence until you have learned it without having to think about it:
1. 'Socialism is not a bad thing.'
2. 'Health care is a right, and not a priveledge.'
3. 'Alger Hiss was innocent.'
4. 'Raise the minimum wage to (fill in the blank here, whatever you think is fair)'
5. 'Impeach Bush.' Well, this one is more of a feel good phrase than of any practical use.
6. 'I don't want to work. I just want to bang on the drum all day.'
Remember, practice makes perfect. Repeat these phrases often and commit them to knee jerk response to any and all suggestions that you should not expect your fellow man to pay your way through life. After all, becoming a liberal is as easy as falling off a log. You don't have to do anything except stick your hand out, and free money will be flowing your way for life. Just kick back in the relative comfort of welfare and stretch out. Make yourself comfortable. Just think of the social safety net that you are now lounging in as a hammock.
Welcome to the Club, you are now a Liberal.