Monday, April 12, 2010

How to become a Liberal (it's really easy)

Do you even ponder just what it takes to become one of the cool crowd, but fear that you don't have what it takes to make the transition? I know, many of you often dream of joining those dope smoking, pony tail wearing, no tax payin' loveable hippie types: in common terms, Liberals. Fret no more, my friend, I will fill you in on the process, step by step as to the way to Utopian nirvahnna, and it won't cost you a dime for this priceless information. Simply read on, and you will in no time be a Democrat voting, Iraq War protesting, food stamp redeeming burden to society: STEP ONE: Procure the 'Liberal Kit.' Please note the word 'procure,' was used rather than the term 'buy.' Buying stuff costs money, and money is a thing that all genuine card carrying liberals obtain from others at no cost to themselves. Either mooch, bum or borrow (and never return) this kit, or borrow some money (but never pay it back) to obtain the kit. As a last resort, simply steal it, as the producers of the elements of this kit are rotten capitalist jerks who raped and pillaged the Proletariat and stole their land in order to put up factories to make these items. These companies deserve (and indeed, expect) to be ripped off. Think no more of it, it's the right thing to do. Contained within the kit are essentials that all liberals must have to be considered part of the gang. Before you can start demanding that your fellow man pay for all your wants and needs, you must first don the uniform: 1. Tie dyed T-shirt. This singles the wearer out from the conservative crowd. The louder and gawdier, the better. And you gain bonus points if it has a peace symbol on it, all your liberal buddies will be jealous right away of your increased stature within the liberal hippie community. 2. Bong. For you conservative folks who are desperately trying to become hip and with it, you are unlikely to know what this device is. Please refer to the picture above, but do not attempt to use it until you are properly trained on its nuances by a fellow liberal dead beat. Certain safety procedures must be followed in order to ensure maximum brain damage and the ensuing demented thought process that is critical to liberal thinking. 3. Toyota Prius. Every proud liberal must have one of these tiny little putt-putt cars, in order to show everyone that they are saving the planet. Trust me, you will be saving the planet by driving one, just don't ask me how, that's not important. Again, as mentioned before, mooch the money to buy the Prius from Dad, Mom, Gramma, or whoever you can con into the purchase or lease payments. And of course, never pay them back, that's the liberal way. . STEP TWO: . Learn the lingo. Now that you are wearing your tie dyed T-Shirt (with optional peace symbol upgrade), using your bong and driving your Prius, you think you are one of the gang, now, right? WRONG. You gotta start spewing the slogans without considering their logical meaning. You have to sound like a liberal, not just look like one. Any phony baloney feaux liberal can pop for the liberal kit, but you have to talk the talk, not just walk the walk. Repeat after me: 'Conservatives are evil.' Go ahead, you can do it, now say it with me, 'Conservatives are evil.' See how easily that rolled off the tongue? Now, let's establish some essential phrases that will enable you to sit down in any hippie commune, have a fellow liberal actually pass you the bong and not Bogart it, and listen to the banter on future plans of 'sticking it to the Man.' Practice each sentence until you have learned it without having to think about it: . 1. 'Socialism is not a bad thing.' 2. 'Health care is a right, and not a priveledge.' 3. 'Alger Hiss was innocent.' 4. 'Raise the minimum wage to (fill in the blank here, whatever you think is fair)' 5. 'Impeach Bush.' Well, this one is more of a feel good phrase than of any practical use. 6. 'I don't want to work. I just want to bang on the drum all day.' . Remember, practice makes perfect. Repeat these phrases often and commit them to knee jerk response to any and all suggestions that you should not expect your fellow man to pay your way through life. After all, becoming a liberal is as easy as falling off a log. You don't have to do anything except stick your hand out, and free money will be flowing your way for life. Just kick back in the relative comfort of welfare and stretch out. Make yourself comfortable. Just think of the social safety net that you are now lounging in as a hammock. Welcome to the Club, you are now a Liberal. Peace.


TKZ said...

Nice! Now we can all be ideological idiots. Saweet!! No more thinking for me! (j/k) ;o)

Fredd said...


Yessiree Bob, and we can all fit into that great, big hammock that someone else pays for.

Uh, er, wait, if we're ALL in the hammock, who pays? Oh, that's right. I'm not supposed to ask stuff like that, I'm only supposed to take another bong hit.

Soloman said...

Too funny...

Before there was ever a Prius, back in the days when I considered myself a liberal - sure enough, there were a couple of tie-dyes in my closet and a bong-like device hidden behind the couch. Go figure.

Back then we didn't worry so much about "global warming" or saving the planet - Gore hadn't even been VP yet.

Christopher said...


I would rather watch Robocop in a Clockwork Orange type setting than to procure your unvaluable kit.

I understand your sarcasm and it is entertaining but you also know my thoughts on Robocop.

Fredd said...


I grew up in Eugene, Oregon, and so I came to know about this stuff through simle osmosis, as I was knee deep in liberals: you couldn't swing a dead cat anywhere in Eugene without hitting a liberal.

And before Algore came along, remember we were all scared to death of Paul Erlich's population bomb: we should all be dead by now, but from starvation, not heat stroke and drowning in the rising sea levels.

Fredd said...


Hmmm. There you go again, with the sacriligious bebasement of Robocop.

And no need to worry about getting strapped into Stanley Kubrik's chair for a forced viewing or Robo, as in practicality, Liberalism does need a modicum of what we used to call 'squares' out there to actually pay for their leisurely ways.

Christopher said...

"Sacriligious bebasement" LMAO.

Just like my sacriligious bebasement of man-made global warming?

Your scaring me Fredd.

(I bring up Robo as it strikes a chord in you and brings forth your literary genius)

Fredd said...


I really should spell check my comments more often. 'Bebasement' should be 'debasement.'

Your analogy lumping man made global warming and Robocop is deeply flawed, since MMGW is gobbledegook, whereas Robocop represents all that is good and pure in man. At least that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Christopher said...

Ah Fredd, you are a die-hard to be sure my friend with an excellent sense of humor. Keep up the good fight!

Krystal said...

Okay, I like tie dye, long skirts, and bare feet. I'd love to not pay taxes. I've never used a bong, but I have partaken in my past. I think dope should be legal. And would love "to bang on my drum all day."

However, I do drive a gas guzzling full sized van. I hope that redeems me.


El Cerdo Ignatius said...

Debasement: Place where we keep de furnace.

A liberal blogger I know once wrote that the whole problem of economics could be solved if people stopped believing they ought to keep most of what they earn. Apparently he was serious.

Fredd said...


Your liberal blogger was probably just regurgitating a Cliff Notes version of 'Das Kapital,' one of Nancy Pelosi's, Harry Reid's and Barack Obama's favorite bedtime fairy tales.

The Conservative Lady said...

I've made a few of those tie dyed t-shirts in my day.
Funny post. I will be linking to it over at the TCL FB page.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the tie dyed shirts and bong, Fred, but wouldn't be so sure to include the Toyota Prius as part of liberal accessories. Here in the hippie capital of the world, Eugene Oregon, there is no shortage of bongs and TD shirts, but I see more hippies (liberals) with gas guzzlin' Toyota Land Cruisers, subsidized by well-to-do parents. Land Cruisers are just the ticket for those southern exposure rural properties, also subsidized by well-to-do parents. Since you are from Oregon, I don't need to explain why southern exposure properties are so popular ;) Of course come to think of it, I do see many Prius models in South Eugene. Ferry Street Bridge area seems to enjoy cars with more stability, and less political sanctimony.

One Ticked Chick said...

"Ensure maximum brain damage and the ensuing demented thought process that is critical to liberal thinking." That's priceless, Fredd.

tha malcontent said...

Well said I know what you mean. But now that I'm starting to see Sarah Palin's name as a possible candidate, I feel myself beginning to grit my teeth again.
We need someone that could WIN, not to be made a joke out of.
We need new young blood.

Fredd said...


I believe those liberals with their tie dyed T shirts in the Ferry Street Bridge area are establishment liberals, and of course as hypocrites will demand that the rest of US drive little putt putt cars while they themselves go for Hummers. That's how it is supposed to work, you know. They had their putt putt cars in their youth, but as their aging liberal butts can't take the pounding that small cars put on their exteriors, they move on up to the gas guzzlers, you see.

My thoughts are that if you want to become a liberal, you have to buy the Liberal 'Starter' kit, and that standard kit requires a Prius.

Hopefully that clears things up for you, William.

Fuzzy Slippers said...

omg, fantastic post! I kept waiting for some mention of Mao worship, but really, it's so not needed. You've nailed it. Hee!

Fredd said...


You know, within liberal circles it is perfectly acceptable to substitute Mao T-shirts for tie dyed ones, because wearing a Mao T-shirt will not prevent you from attending the liberal meetings, or passing the three bean salad at the liberal picnics.

Or you may consider donning a Che Guevara T-shirt, even better.

Christopher said...

Fredd, Perusing the comments I noticed you used the phrase "Establishment Liberals".

I am well aware of what it means but have always found it ridiculous (the phrase,not you) when speaking about anarchists.

Fredd said...


Yeah, it's always fun to watch when the liberals are out of power and scheme to 'fight the power.' Or, 'stick it to the Man.' Their only purpose in politics is to crap in the Republican soup.

Now that they are the power, and they are the face of 'the Man,' and are defacto 'establishment liberals,' enacting their anarchist/Marxist/utopian philosophy tends to go awry when they find out that pigs can't fly. And that they can't seem to find any Pixie Dust to fix things.

When THEIR soup tastes like crap, owing to absolutely no input from Republicans, they get hysterical about the reasons why.

Joe said...

TKZ: I'm thinking thinking must be overrated anyway. President BO sure has a strange "line" of it.