Do you wonder where you stand on the political scale? Are you so far left that Obama actually got his health care message through to you, or do you fall somewhere to the right of Ghengis Khan?
Fear not, I am here to help you find out whether you should register as a Democrat or a Republican: just answer the following questions truthfully by circling either A or B:
1. If you are asked for money from a scuzzy bum on the sidewalk, you:
A: Tell him to get a job.
B: Empty your wallet into his filthy fingers.
2. When President Obama appears on your television to give his 788th speech on health care reform, you:
A: Throw a brick through the TV screen.
B: Listen with rapt attention for important additional information on the issue.
3. If you find out that you and your spouse are expecting a baby, you:
A: Celebrate the joyous news.
B: Race to the abortion clinic to remove the unwanted fetal tissue from your body.
4. When asked by a pollster what you expect from government, you:
A: Tell the pollster you want absolutely nothing from the feds except a body count of dead terrorists.
B: Tell the pollster you want security and the fulfillment of any want or need from the time you are born to the moment of your death. 5. When the same pollster asks you your thoughts about unions, you tell them:
A: Unions are bloodsucking parasites on capitalism.
B: Unions help promote paradise on earth.
6. Ronald Reagan was:
A: the greatest president of our times.
B: the dunciest dunce to ever come out of Dunceville.
7. Kelo vs New London is:
A: a SCOTUS decision trampling our rights to hold private property.
B: some kind of new Little Debbie snack cake.
8. Teddy Kennedy was:
A: a murdering coward who left a girl for dead in a submerged car he drunkenly wrecked.
B: the greatest senator of our time.
9. President Obama has proposed taxing big banks. You think:
A: that Obama is an idiot who has no clue about how commerce works, and just wants a new bad guy to demonize, just like Saul Alinsky taught him.
B: that this is a good move, to penalize those fat cat bankers who have bags and bags full of ill gotten money laying around doing nothing anyway.
10. When asked if you want to join the neighborhood recycling drive, you:
A: tell them that recycling is a pointy headed liberal concoction that doesn't work, and you point to the sign in your yard that states "Don't Feed The Hippies."
B: jump up and down shouting 'oh goody goody goody, I can help save the planet.'
Count the number of "A" answers you circled, and match this number to the scale below:
10 A's: You are definitely conservative material, welcome to reality. Register as a Republican.
7 - 9 A's: You need some work, but have potential to wake up from your dream world. Register as a Republican.
6 A's or less: you are a Birkenstock wearing, bean sprout and tofu eating, pony tail sporting, Ted Kennedy loving, tree hugging socialist loser. Please don't take your insane notions of utopia out on the rest of us at the ballot box. Stay home during the next election.
* Please note the irony in my use of the Simpsons characters above: The Comic Book Guy, while on the surface appears to be a pony-tail wearing, peace sign T-shirt donning liberal, is in fact a small business owner who is the target of the Obama administration via tax hikes and oppressive regulations. Superintendent Chalmers, on the other hand, while displaying his sartorial splendor in his three piece suit appears to be the consummate conservative, he is in fact the head honcho of the Springfield School District, a card carrying union member of the NEA and in all probability votes Democrat straight down the line. To actually use arch conservative Montgomery Burns as my icon of a conservative would be to diminish my point. I considered it, but gave the nod to 'Chalmy' as my conservative stalwart.