Wednesday, April 21, 2010

How to Become a Leader of Liberals

Do you ever yearn to become an advocate of your favorite liberal cause? Can you just imagine gripping that bullhorn and blasting away at your nemesis (Republicans) while an adoring yet mindless liberal audience hangs on your every amplified word?
By following these simple yet important steps, you can realize your dreams of world domination simply by reading on:
If you aspire to a liberal leadership position, check your integrity, honor and character at the door. There is no value whatsoever in sticking to these antiquated notions within liberal leadership circles. If you find yourself having doubts about the immorality of having to lie, misinform and obfuscate reality in order to advance your cause, simply repeat this phrase: 'The End Justifies the Means.' And of course, by the end, I am referring to obtaining by any means power for you to wield over others. After chanting this phrase three times, in mere moments the urge to come clean with your followers will dissipate and you can continue to lead your mindless liberal flock into the future without the impediment of truth, values and honor to block your efforts. Label all of your political foes (Republicans) as an angry mob of racists, bigots, homophobes and general miscreants, and yet do not hesitate for a moment at stooping to any low (regardless of how low and loathsome low happens to be) to further your ambitions. Remember, hypocrisy is a good thing: always enact legislation that negatively affects others, and have the unmitigated gall to exempt yourself from these adverse consequences of your bad, uh, er I mean fair legislation. At the end of the day, you will sleep like a baby knowing that you yourself will live happily ever after, your constituents be damned.
Some liberal leader candidates view their aspirations as the noble management and fair allocation of our nations' scarce resources. Wipe this thought from your mind. This misguided notion of fairness will only get you into trouble going forward in your liberal leadership career. Being a liberal leader is about one thing only; power. Liberal leaders are about power, how to obtain it, how to keep it, and how to wield it for their own gain as well as punishment of their enemies (Republicans). All tactics in the pursuit of power are justified, to include lying, stealing, cheating, manipulation, spreading of misinformation and all other manner of skulduggery. Again, a good phrase for the liberal leader candidate to keep in mind is always 'The End Justifies the Means.' Chant this phase three times when you feel weak. Works every time.
Remove all mirrors from your living and working spaces. Since you no longer have any regard for integrity, honor and character as a requirement for aspirations to liberal leadership, it is simply impossible to look yourself in the face seeking any semblance or hint of dignity after affecting all manner of malfeasance in the pursuit of power. On the same token, you must shriek from the mountain tops that your opponents (Republicans) must represent the epitome of honor, character and integrity, despite your complete lack of them. This will endear you to your fellow liberal leaders. Remember to use your bull horn at the top of the mountain, as the echo effects are quite impressive.
Remember, your adoring liberal constituencies are for the most part brain dead hippies who just want to sit around a commune and sing Kumbaya. You need only know that yelling 'A Chicken in Every Pot,' 'Stick it to the Man' and 'Haliburton!' and most importantly 'It's Bush's Fault!' into your bullhorn as loudly as possible will vault you into the inner circle of liberal power in perpetuity.

Monday, April 12, 2010

How to become a Liberal (it's really easy)

Do you even ponder just what it takes to become one of the cool crowd, but fear that you don't have what it takes to make the transition? I know, many of you often dream of joining those dope smoking, pony tail wearing, no tax payin' loveable hippie types: in common terms, Liberals. Fret no more, my friend, I will fill you in on the process, step by step as to the way to Utopian nirvahnna, and it won't cost you a dime for this priceless information. Simply read on, and you will in no time be a Democrat voting, Iraq War protesting, food stamp redeeming burden to society: STEP ONE: Procure the 'Liberal Kit.' Please note the word 'procure,' was used rather than the term 'buy.' Buying stuff costs money, and money is a thing that all genuine card carrying liberals obtain from others at no cost to themselves. Either mooch, bum or borrow (and never return) this kit, or borrow some money (but never pay it back) to obtain the kit. As a last resort, simply steal it, as the producers of the elements of this kit are rotten capitalist jerks who raped and pillaged the Proletariat and stole their land in order to put up factories to make these items. These companies deserve (and indeed, expect) to be ripped off. Think no more of it, it's the right thing to do. Contained within the kit are essentials that all liberals must have to be considered part of the gang. Before you can start demanding that your fellow man pay for all your wants and needs, you must first don the uniform: 1. Tie dyed T-shirt. This singles the wearer out from the conservative crowd. The louder and gawdier, the better. And you gain bonus points if it has a peace symbol on it, all your liberal buddies will be jealous right away of your increased stature within the liberal hippie community. 2. Bong. For you conservative folks who are desperately trying to become hip and with it, you are unlikely to know what this device is. Please refer to the picture above, but do not attempt to use it until you are properly trained on its nuances by a fellow liberal dead beat. Certain safety procedures must be followed in order to ensure maximum brain damage and the ensuing demented thought process that is critical to liberal thinking. 3. Toyota Prius. Every proud liberal must have one of these tiny little putt-putt cars, in order to show everyone that they are saving the planet. Trust me, you will be saving the planet by driving one, just don't ask me how, that's not important. Again, as mentioned before, mooch the money to buy the Prius from Dad, Mom, Gramma, or whoever you can con into the purchase or lease payments. And of course, never pay them back, that's the liberal way. . STEP TWO: . Learn the lingo. Now that you are wearing your tie dyed T-Shirt (with optional peace symbol upgrade), using your bong and driving your Prius, you think you are one of the gang, now, right? WRONG. You gotta start spewing the slogans without considering their logical meaning. You have to sound like a liberal, not just look like one. Any phony baloney feaux liberal can pop for the liberal kit, but you have to talk the talk, not just walk the walk. Repeat after me: 'Conservatives are evil.' Go ahead, you can do it, now say it with me, 'Conservatives are evil.' See how easily that rolled off the tongue? Now, let's establish some essential phrases that will enable you to sit down in any hippie commune, have a fellow liberal actually pass you the bong and not Bogart it, and listen to the banter on future plans of 'sticking it to the Man.' Practice each sentence until you have learned it without having to think about it: . 1. 'Socialism is not a bad thing.' 2. 'Health care is a right, and not a priveledge.' 3. 'Alger Hiss was innocent.' 4. 'Raise the minimum wage to (fill in the blank here, whatever you think is fair)' 5. 'Impeach Bush.' Well, this one is more of a feel good phrase than of any practical use. 6. 'I don't want to work. I just want to bang on the drum all day.' . Remember, practice makes perfect. Repeat these phrases often and commit them to knee jerk response to any and all suggestions that you should not expect your fellow man to pay your way through life. After all, becoming a liberal is as easy as falling off a log. You don't have to do anything except stick your hand out, and free money will be flowing your way for life. Just kick back in the relative comfort of welfare and stretch out. Make yourself comfortable. Just think of the social safety net that you are now lounging in as a hammock. Welcome to the Club, you are now a Liberal. Peace.