Tuesday, June 21, 2016

America is awash in killer products

From the ABC News bureau, New York:

In the recent weeks, several gruesome deaths have been attributed to deadly products, widely available for sale on U.S. grocery shelves, and this humble and impartial ABC News correspondent has just a few examples to report to an unsuspecting public:

Vero Beach, Forida - a woman was killed by a shark attack while swimming in neck deep waters off the coast of Florida on Monday morning, sources say.  It was determined that the woman, Edna G. Getaclue, age 34, on vacation from Kentucky, harmlessly strapped fresh, juicy T-bone steaks to her arms and legs in a routine and common attempt to keep cool from the hot Florida sun.  When she went swimming with the steaks still strapped firmly to her, a hungry shark attacked and killed the woman, in a completely surprising move by a usually harmless fish.  When the butcher shop where the deadly steaks were purchased by the unsuspecting victim was contacted regarding the known deadly attraction to sharks, they had no comment.  It is suspected that the steaks, a known deadly product, had something to do with the deadly attack.  The family of the victim has no comment currently, pending criminal investigations into the rogue butcher shops' past evil activities.

Coeur d'Alene, Idaho - a couple was mauled to death by a 12' grizzly bear Tuesday evening while hiking in the wilderness near this mountain vacation spot, reports the U.S. Forest Service.  Apparently the couple, Harvey Q. Dipshutt, 33 and his wife Chloe, 28, had just stocked up their backpacks with Oberto beef jerky, and Hostess Twinkies for snacks on their hike when suddenly, out of nowhere the huge bear attacked the couple, killing them and eating the snacks. Incriminating shredded wrappers of both deadly but commonly available products were found near the bodies of the victims, reported a U.S. Forest Service official. Spokesmen for both Oberto and Hostess were unvailable for comment when asked by ABC News why such a known deadly bear attracting product was still on the market, despite their well known deadly properties.  Criminal and civil suits are likely to follow in the coming weeks.  

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the U.S. is awash with products widely known to cause injury and death, and yet they continue to be available on supermarket shelves nationwide.

This is Fredd, your impartial and vigilant ABC News correspondent, back to you in the studio, George. 


Adrienne said...

Dear Fredd, the Coeur d' Alene bear story is a fake. No Idaho bear would ever eat Oberto jerky (horrible crap,) And Twinkies? Never. They prefer Hostess cupcakes with peelable frosting with the cute little white squiggle on top. All Idaho bears get their jerky from a local grocery store that smokes it in the store. Obviously, these people were tourists and didn't know that.

Are you certain this bear attack was not in Montana? Montana bears are not as highly developed as Idaho bears and will eat most anything - including people (but only after slow roasting on a spit.) Low and slow is their motto. Makes them oh so tender.

And, by the way, as typical of an ABC correspondent, who rarely strays from the inner city, you spelled Coeur d'Alene wrong. But don't feel bad. After nearly 30 years of living here every time I write Coeur d' Alene I silently say to myself: C O E U R, space, little d, accent mark, capital A lene. Sheesh, I could have lived next door to an easy to spell place, but no - I picked here.

Fredd said...


Check again, the spelling of Coeur d'Alene is correct. I should know, I am an ABC News correspondent, and have impeccable credentials and integrity. (unless you took a screen shot of it earlier, then I stand by my statement).

Bears: Idaho bears, Montana bears, same same. Now, you and I may think Oberto makes crappy jerky, but bears think it is manna from heaven. They eat worms, for God's sake. And yes, the cupcakes with the white squiggle of frosting on top of the chocolate frosting, that attracts Manitoba bears and Saskatchewan bears, in addition to Montana and Idaho bears.

Adrienne said...

You're in luck - no screen shot. Heh

Bears eat worms? I didn't know that. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though.

I took a train trip to St. Paul a few years ago (never, ever to be repeated.) Anyhoo, I packed some snacks on advice from friends. One of those aforementioned snacks was Oberto jerky. When I opened the bag, I nearly fainted from the horrible smell.

I'm so spoiled now with our local grocer who smokes salmon, jerky, little pepperonis and sausage sticks, even chicken. It's about the only way I'll eat salmon. Hot smoking takes away the fishy aspect.

Fredd said...

Adrienna: yes, bears eat anything organic. Just like pigs and humans, we all eat everything, omnivores, they call us. Although Oberto jerky may not make it onto that edible list.

You live in northern Idaho and do't like fishy smelling fish? Not exactly the place to live with that kind of sensitivity, don't you think? You must be a transplant, perhaps from the San Fenando Valley (Reseda, Van Nuys maybe? Perhaps Canoga Park). None of those guys like fishy smelling fish, either. I am OK with it. Nothing better than a nice fresh caught trout, rolled in Krusteaz pancake batter, fried up in bacon grease over a campfire, gutted but head on, not scaled. Fishy? Yes. Fine eatin'? Most definitely.

Gorges Smythe said...

You had too much time on your hands today! ;-)

Euripides said...

I'm with Adrienne on this one. Idaho bears will turn their noses up at Twinkies, but go absolutely insane when presented with Hostess cupcakes, usually the orange ones, but they won't turn down the chocolate ones either. Either of them are well-know dangers in bear country, and the feds have been trying to ban them for years. Idaho is still a fairly conservative state (despite the folks in Twin Falls) and have been blocking federal attempts to hijack Hostess cupcake laws in order to serve ideological ends.

LL said...

I'm not going to go into the faulty tampon manufacturing that lead to so many barracuda savaging women out for a moonlight swim in the Pacific, or the baseball caps that when worn backwards, lead to fatal melanoma. I'm tempted to go on and on, but you're right, products lead to fatalities. We need to stop making everything to save the planet.

Fredd said...

Hmmmmm, LL: you might be on to a great ad campaign for my law firm's crusade: "Products lead to fatalities." I like it. And what's so piercing about these four words are that they are so true. Juries will shake down these rotten product makers for everything they got.

LL said...

There should be a warning on every baseball cap that they can't be worn backwards. It's not unlike the labels on pillows and mattresses that you're not supposed to remove.

Fredd said...

LL: my pillows and mattresses still have the labels. If I get bold and remove it, I just don't trust that some jack booted label Nazis won't kick down my doors, guns blazing with bullhorns, shouting: "WE KNOW YOU TORE OFF THAT LABEL, PUT IT OUT WHERE WE CAN SEE IT...."